So here's the thing. I have only one exam left, and it's still bad. I've figured out by now that I'm scared of exams. As in, phobic. As in psychologically-scarred-when-young-because-cat-bites-you-and-you-now-no-like-cats kinda scared. It's probably the STPM speaking again. Can't shake it off. And so but yeah, I got into university because I did a few really cool things. So what? I know you're going to tell me that academics don't matter, but fact remains, when you're in school and you're studying because it costs so damn much per semester, comments like that don't seem real. No kidding, you say. But academics do matter, especially when you're talking about an exam-oriented society like ours. (Yes - if it makes you feel better it's the same thing in Singapore). And so it's rather anal - you're studying programming, say - which is the most practical thing you'll study in my course - and then you meet people who're all about "How many marks did you get?" and "I thought they might ask this in the exam, so I worked on it!" and "Ah I didn't get full marks for that lab" and the focus suddenly becomes scoring As, instead of learning the tools for the sake of learning the tools, and/or you do things because you want to beat all the other people so you can win that scholarship/bursary/summa cum laude.
I know this is unfair of me, especially since we don't really have any alternative to exams, and marks, and bell-curves. But it's produced really strange behaviour, all around us. Like, for instance, you're discussing the application of ethics on computing in the real world, and the discussion suddenly turns into a 'how to answer this for the exam?' smooge fest. Have you had an experience like that? Have you thought it strange? I have! I find it very strange! I couldn't get my head around it! Why on earth would you talk exams, if ethical conundrums and technological paradoxes really might happen to you in your professional life, later on? Has this no relevance to your life, beyond the testpaper?
But even as I'm saying these things, a small voice at the back of my head tells me that I have no right to talk. Who am I, after all? I have no good reason to strut into classrooms, looking like I understand the technicalities of everything being taught before me; nor do I have the confidence borne from a long history of academic excellence. I am a scraper. I am a weird hodgepodge of talents that don't count in any academic assessment. I am a square peg in a round hole (or was it the other way around?) And no, I am not very useful in an exam ... in everything else, yes; in the real world, maybe - but in an exam it feels, at times, like I am a sneak. I know I should stop ranting. But it's frightening to pause and think of all the exams ahead of me in the next four years, and all the other academicos that I have to compete with. Fours years. Rather long time. Frightening indeed.
Friday, November 27, 2009
The Fear
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
I had one lecturer last semester who told me something really practical..."Study is for A, not for the knowledge." He's damn straight to the point.
Haha.
=( Isn't that a bit sad?
That's his way of thinking, doesn't mean I need to follow, right? =)
Right. =) Knew I could count on you to be counter-culture.
Come to think about it, as long as our education is still "sponsored", be it by our parents' pocket, scholarship and etc., we are still in the race for the As, 4 flats, dean's list and etc, whether or not we like it or not (unless you've got some super-liberal parents). Sad.
Whatever it is, enjoy your four years. Speaking from experience (4 years ago), I wish i’d enjoyed my schoolwork a lot more. I used to love Physics in Form 5. However, come Form 6, I changed school as F6 was not offered in my previous school. We were inundated with the never-ending weekly tests. So I had no choice but to sit down and start getting serious about things, I really hated everything I had to do, but my grades got better. The irony. But my hatred for Physics grew as well. I’ve had the opportunity to read so many great books over the 1 1/2 years in F6, but because i was conscious of the fact that i had to study those books, i just couldnt enjoy the texts as much as i did when i read them for the fun of it… But a totally opposite thing happened for Chem. I loved the subject (go laugh at me !!) and got so much satisfaction from the learning, but i was so shocked when i got B. sigh. i didn't even know what to say. Even if I did get an A for Physics in STPM, I knew I would not going to be the happiest clam — it was the driest and most wearisome process of learning, ever.
I loved Chem too, and I hated Physics. I'm resigned to this fact la, I think, even if I keep telling myself to learn for the knowledge, and not for the tests. I do suppose that's a slightly better attitude to take, no?
We want As to please people, to make our parents proud, to have some kind of evidence that we are decent, somewhat qualified individuals that we can use as proof when we want to get a job and for certain people, to prove the naysayers wrong ("the more you don't think I can get A, the more I work my butt off for it").
We can go on and say that academic excellence really doesn't determine one's success (cue for overused Bill gates example), but would you risk not having a sturdy academic background to fall back on and rely totally on say, your knack at practical things? Risky.
The thing is, you can work towards academic excellence. Some people have it but lack what you have, ie pr and leadership skills. And truth to be told, those are the kinds of skills which are far harder to attain than academic excellence.
You are not a sneak.:) Neither are you a square peg in a round hole. You're just a square peg thinking the square hole you're looking at is round and you're too afraid to try. And realise er, you actually fit if you stop fearing exams so much.
If that doesn't make sense, thats because its over 1am and I am STILL staring at exam papers online. Irony?=3
oh and this anon is different from the anon before. I think you can tell. :)
Go beyond what the romans do but at the same time act perfectly roman.
Exams. I never liked them because grades are so one dimensional. And yet, what every potential employer cares is still your results. On dean's list? Check. Straight A's? Check. Some chairperson of a cheesy school club? Check. Testimonials? Check. Resume? Check.
It's a sad world that we live in. Anyway, good luck for your last paper!
Post a Comment