We are sitting at lunch, and I tell my parents that I'll have to go to school tomorrow to teach debate. Once a week, every Wednesday. Until I get my car back from my uncle. It's the third meeting, so they've sent me down twice already.
"When," my mum says, "will you be cut off from St Thom?"
I freeze.
"You're no longer a student of St Thom, why are you still doing this? Do you know how ma fan it is, to send you to school every week? Who is your debate teacher? Why can't she do it?"
I place my spoon back into my bowl, where it sends the bits and pieces of my soup - the carrots and the onions and the chicken strips - jumping around. "She has nothing to do with this. I'm doing this because I want to-"
"Oh. You want to. Smart." My sister cuts in.
"I volunteered - "
"Very smart." she says again, and then my dad takes on the mantle: "You don't have to do anything for that stupid school -" and my mum cuts back in: "You want to ... HAH if you can treat your house chores like that ... good lor ..."
I am seething now. There is a silence as we chew on our food.
"You know, if Val didn't come tomorrow we also wouldn't have any debate meeting." My youngest sister says.
"So it's okay for Val to do a debate meeting but it's not okay for me to do it?"
"Yeah."
"No it's not okay for Val as well," the other sister says.
A number of replies present themselves in my mind at this point, each one ruder than the last. I chose none of them and return to my food.
There are a number of reasons why I never tell my parents about my dreams. Why I never ask them for help with my problems. Why I never tell them anything about my non-academic activities. This conversation is a case study for that root cause. I'm not sure if my parents are alone in this, but they have never supported anything I've done, unless the activity concerned had some tangible benefit attached. When I had problems with the debate club I sorted them out myself. When I had problems in Judo I sorted them out myself. Ditto for almost everything that has mattered to me in the past 5 years.
I don't understand this. A part of me says they want the best for me, that their opposition against everything non-academic I've done is a result of their worry that I will let my grades slip. And I'm sure that plays some small part in it. But when conversations like today's happen, and their opposition is based on how ma fan it is for them to send me down ... that's when I know I've been justified in keeping my work/academic/co-k problems to myself.
And that's not the end of it. I also don't get how my sisters consistently support my parents in this. Firstly, it's none of their bloody business. Secondly, their argument consists of nothing more than "You always think you're right", which is a failsafe, and a intellectually slothful one at that. "You always think you're right" means that they're too lazy to think of a better counter-argument, in a fight that they shouldn't have been involved in in the first place, considering that it had nothing to do with them.
I think there're parents out there who would be proud of a kid who takes the initiative to start something on his or her own. Those parents aren't mine. My parents would only be supportive if I had something like a newspaper interview or a plague to show for my efforts - something they can see and touch and brag about. They never think about the things I learn when I'm doing something on my own - they don't think about the leadership I'm forced to show when I teach in debate; they don't think about the mental toughness I'm forced to have when I'm sparring at the dojo. There are other people out there, my age, who club and drink and have the time of their lives every other night, for no other reason than youth. And here I am doing something that I think is worthwhile, that I think would be worth my time in ways that don't benefit me directly ... and all they can think about is the amount of energy it'll take to send me down to school.
Don't get me wrong. This is not about gaining my parents' support, or respect, or even their recognition. I love my parents, even if they're not exactly good in this support thing. What this is about is why I don't talk to them about the things that matter to me. The things that make me who I am. My drive to do things, to accomplish things has never come from them, and it probably never will.
20 comments:
asian culture. nuff said.
*pats* You're hardly alone in this, and I think you know your mind well enough so I don't have to say the few things I backspaced over.
With that said, it's a pain to not have your own car or financial independence. ;)
The problem now is the things you do are perceived to be without reward.
Lets just take a step back from all that emotion and look at things objectively. Your parents take pains and make sacrifices to raise the necessary resources to provide for you and your family. For any parent, children are their most precious investments. If you'd take a look around, all the infrastructure you utilise (make a list if you wish) is linked, and paid for by your parents. For them to work their fingers off only to see their son 'splurge' it on 'non-useful' activities is annoying to say the least. It is extra annoying when he doesn't seem to show the same zeal for household issues or the things perceived to be very rewarding.
I am not asking you to let go of the things that matter to you. Perhaps evaluate yourself to reduce the dissatisfaction?
In my most cheap and unbinding opinion, I think the best option is to utilize your skills to make a statement. Get into Harvard? No I am not asking you to fulfill your national duty (to others, inside joke sorry).
Note: I am not taking sides
Hey, don't worry. I'm sure they'll understand some day because you are the one who's living your life and not them.. They'll soon realize, I'm sure =D Cheers k..
I wrote a comment. And blogger swallowed it up.
T.T
Your parents are doing it silently.
Talk, there's a lot of that to be done.
Eyh Peking? =D
Oh by the way, I understood this post more than the one before.
Lol.
@Anon: Indeed. But if it's not this problem then I'm sure there will be something else, so I'm rather ambivalent about the fact I'm Asian and all that.
@Georgette: HOW DID YOU FIND MY BLOG ZOMG!!! Thank you. This was a rant, and I don't often do rants ... but seeing as I'm still blocked I figured it'd be nice to give my narrative skills a spin. And it did. I felt better afterwards.
You're right, btw, financial independence and a car do sound nice at the moment.
@tsar: Brilliant analysis. I think you see what I didn't in my semi-pissed off state. Thank you. Will be thinking about everything you said (minus the get into Harvard bit) =)
@Kathleen: If I was in college by now I'd probably not have to face this kind of shit. But ... no regrets, aye?
@Sam: =.= Oh yeah, blogger sucks. I assume you'll tell me in our next phone conversation? =) Am looking forward to what you have to say.
@Tsar: that's because you write for leisure. I don't.
Hei Ced!
I don't know about the 'right' thing to say to you now, after reading your post because your parents have their stand, you have yours too.
BUT!!! I can ensure you, once you're out of Kuching, into the university, everything will change! No one's gonna bug you about the 'right' time to do the 'right' thing and there's nothing about 'ma fan' or 'not ma fan', because you're on your own.
I'm not saying that you should club every night la when you're not with your parents.
Think of the bright side, half a year left. =) Hehe.
well, to be honest even a year after I finished Form 5, I still went back and helped out my juniors. I tagged along the debate team (the Malay team, yes I was involved in Malay debate too LOL) to their actual competition.
I guess, the reason we do the things we do, is simply because we love to do them. Because we love doing them, we find great pride and joy even if it means seeing the accomplishments done by others.
I dare not say that parents do not see what we see, but it is not easy when they are against our decisions. And they usually are against us, arent they?
We just have to earn their respect and trust before they would ever let us make certain decisions on our own.
I stood up to my parents (not in any rude manner lah) and proved to them that they had nothing to worry about my grades, even when I was heavily involved in both Malay and English debates.
You will be surprised by how many employers being interested in applicants who were involved in debates, because it prominently shows one important quality in you: effective and powerful communication/speaking abilities.
Maybe you could tell that to your parents the next time they question about your involvement in debates.
Let it out.:) Your parents are not wrong, neither are you.
Persevere. When you get somewhere (and I know you will), your parents will be proud. And when that time comes, the argument of whether judo and debate ever brought you or them any benefits will not cross your or your parents' minds.
This is your life. Sooner or later, your parents will respect your decision. Now, you only have to wait for your shining moment. It will come.
I'm actually very good at finding people's blogs. That or people are not careful enough to dust away their online footprints behind them. ;-)
Gette, in response to your comment by all means find mine and comment!!! =D
hey, we're in the same gang..well...not exactly the same lar but near urs...lets kambate to ourselves XD
@all: sorry for the late reply, was involved in a debate tournament yesterday.
@Horng Eng: you've already talked to me about this on the phone, so yeah, I know where you're coming from. I guess I just have to bear with this.
@robin: I had NO IDEA you were that heavily involved in debate after your time in St Thom. Even B DEBATES?! That's crazy dedication, man. Thank you for the pointer about employers and debates.
@Anon: thank you. =) I'm grateful for your wisdom (wait, who art thou again?)
@Gette: Now you're making me self-conscious!
@Stefan: I had no idea you had a Blogger acc too ... why don't you blog at all?
fyi, second anonymous aint same as first anonymous. first anonymous was prev anonymous who anonymousified comments in all the other (at least the last 5 posts) anonymous comments so anonymous obviously is anonymous meaning anonymous doesnt want u to know anonymous is so lets keep evrything anonymous.
sorry that's just another reason to keep using 'anonymous' and pulling your leg cos ppl dont usually get me when i do that and so lets see whether ur brain can figure out wad anonymous' brain is trying to convey.
either way, i think the first paragraph is grammatically incorrect so pardon anonymous. and hope this puts a smile on ur face cos the lasts posts have been sounding awfully depressing (except the onigiri one). so anonymous requests a nice cheer-upper post from you. please and thank you.
from anonymous or Anne Omines. =)
bcos i got tired of writing :P
okay..i haven't been in here in awhile so im kinda late in this comment thing..
anyhow, i get that alot too=3
yeah.it sucks but all i can say is i hope i don't turn out like them.
hang in there.
@Anne Omines: You're wise AND cute. Dang, who ARE you? (Yes, the first paragraph put a smile on my face thank yousss)
@Stefan: but you ONLY WROTE ONE SENTENCE IN YOUR WHOLE BLOG! GAAAAHHHH!!!
(This is what happens when your photography too keng - you don't write much anymore!)
@Julie: you teach debate too, don't you? =/ I hope you've got a better time of it than I do.
this is late but 2nd anonymous was me lol.cnt tell from the cookie smiley?
I had no idea, Da, none at all!
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